Highbrow Yet Despicable

You may think you know someone. But every now and again they act in a way that shows their true colors. And sometimes those colors are horrifying.

There was finally some good news for the recently unlucky van der Woodsen family. CeCe’s will had been invalidated after her nurse came forward to say that Ivy had tricked the poor, sick woman. Now the estate would be split 50/50 between Lily and Carol. You know, actual members of CeCe’s family. Ivy was shocked by the nurse’s accusations. She did nothing but take care of CeCe. The nurse lied. How much had Lily paid her? But Lily didn’t care about her phony niece’s claims. See ya later, Ivy Dickens. Forever.

In order to clear the air about all the recent allegations of the family bickering over money, Lily decided to throw a dinner party and invite a reporter. Serena thought there were two people she should invite: her father and Lola. So Serena went in search of her cousin. But first she called her dad to tell him about the party. Sadly for her, William said he was out of town. Rain check! But what would you know. Serena just so happened to walk by Lola having breaking with, dun dun dun, William van der Woodsen! Whaaat? Unbeknownst to Serena, William had just revealed to Lola that he wasn’t just her ex-uncle but he was also, ready for it? William in Darth Vader voice: Lola. I am your father. William wanted a relationship with his daughter. He was a lousy dad to Serena and Eric and now he’d learned from his mistakes. They should focus on the future. Although how about they keep this jaw dropping news to themselves for now.

Later on, Serena confronted her dad at his hotel. She could not believe her father had lied to her about being in NY. And hanging out with Lola? WTF, dad? S confronted him about it. He fibbed and said he had just so happened to bond with his niece. But to make it up to S, he’d be happy to attend the dinner that night. Score! Now Serena just needed to find Lola to invite her. So she went to The Spectator. Nate told Serena she’d just missed her cousin. Lola had come earlier to see Nate to apologize for outing Diana as Chuck’s mother. She felt terrible. Especially after she recently had learned who her own father was. Since Nate’s lips are beyond loose (DON’T TELL HIM ANYTHING!), he informed Serena that Lola was with her father just that morning. Serena put two and two together and WTH, Lola was not just her cousin but her sister too? OMFG!

Of course, Serena went right to her mom and told her to cancel the dinner. William had an affair with Carol when he was still married to Lily. Lola was her sister. It all made sense now. The reason why Carol hid her daughter all these years, why she hired Ivy. Lily was surprisingly stoic. She told Serena they needed to handle their present problems before they dealt with past issues. It would be a good idea for them to keep quiet about it all until after the reporter left. Then they could calmly sort if out. Phew. However, Lily did call someone about a partnership. And who was that someone? You’re never going to guess it: Ivy!

When Nate wasn’t being the world’s worst secret keeper, he was dealing with Diana. She wanted to work in peace with him. Although it was kind of hard because she totally still had feelings for him. Nate was all “ummm, you’re Chuck’s mom. That’s weird!” Perhaps it was time to just close the door on Diana and put her out of business with him. Since Nate’s grandfather wasn’t bankrolling her that meant someone else had to be. So N turned to our resident PI Andrew Tyler. Tyler found out that Diana was getting funding from an Australian holding company. And one of the board members there was Jack Bass! Whoa!

Nate was determined to get to the bottom of the whole Jack/Diana connection. Andrew Tyler said the first record of Diana Payne was three years ago. Wait, hold up. What’s her real name then? So Nate got let into Diana’s hotel room and started snooping around. He found her planner. But before Nate could snatch it, Diana came in. What was he doing there? Nate said Diana was right all along. Their chemistry’s undeniable. And with that they started kissing, which led to you know what. Afterwards when Diana went to the bathroom, Nate jumped out of bed, grabbed the planner and got the heck out of there. Screw and run!

All the while, an issue of New York Magazine had come out featuring both Blair and Dan in the approval matrix. The only thing was that while Dan was considered highbrow/brilliant for writing a new book that wasn’t a cheap sequel to Inside, Blair was listed under lowbrow/brilliant for being married for less time than Kim Kardashian Ouch! B was obviously upset by this and thus set out to be just as highbrow as Dan!

Dan was one of the five nominees for the New York Public Library Young Lions Fiction Award. Naturally, Blair would be his date. She decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to showcase her true approval matrix rating: highbrow/despicable. After all, that was where all the true tastemakers and headliners were. What she had to do was do something magnanimous while also stealing Dan’s thunder. Uh oh.

When Dan went up to make his speech, Blair totally interrupted him to announce her plans to provide an endowment to the Young Lions foundation. People were shocked. Bravo, Blair. Because it truly was way despicable. Dan could not believe B would do such a thing. And he knew it was all because of the approval matrix. Who even cares about that? Blair confessed that she didn’t want to live in someone else’s shadow. That’s all she’s ever done in her past relationships. But Dan didn’t think that was the case. He thought they were equals. Perhaps Blair was too obsessed with how everyone else perceived her that she couldn’t see her true self. Amen!

Later that night, Blair admitted that Dan was right. The problem wasn’t his success. It was her own. She had lost her true self. But she wanted to be found. Maybe Dan could help? Aww.

At Lily’s dinner, the whole family showed up. Well, the whole family minus Rufus. He was still living in Brooklyn and she on the UES. Rufus thought they were supposed to be in a partnership but Lily didn’t seem like she wanted to be an equal partner. Lily had initially invited him to dinner to make amends. But then for some reason, she lied and told Rufus it had been canceled. Hmm. Anyway, the whole family and the reporter from NY Social Diary all sat around the dinner table. They were eating family style. Serena remarked that was sooo unlike her mother. Family style’s like so suburban. But Lily said in this family they love to share. You know, like how Carol stole her husband and decided to have his baby behind her back. Whoa! Thought Lily was going to sort if out calmly. Guess not! And right then and there, cops came out to arrest Carol for fraud. Carol pleaded with them she hadn’t committed the crime. It was Ivy! Too bad for Carol, because Lily now had Ivy on her side. Turned out, Ivy had given her statement in exchange for ratting out Carol. Ivy was going to get off scratch free. Carol? Not so much.

Lola was beyond upset about her mom’s arrest. And who was there to comfort her? Why daddy dearest, of course. Serena was livid. William was being so nice to Lola. All Serena wanted her whole life was a dad who cared about her. And now the minute William found out he was the father to someone else, he rushed to her side to play the part of dad. William had already broke her mom’s heart and now he’d broken Serena’s as well. Eek.

Rufus came to the UES apartment. He saw the news report about what went on at dinner. A dinner he was told was canceled. Busted, Lily! But she wasn’t apologizing. She said Carol needed to be punished. Rufus had a suspicion that Lily had paid off that nurse to lie in court. If this was the kind of person Lily wanted to be, Rufus didn’t want anything to do with it. Then Lily said the meanest thing ever to him: Where was Rufus going to find a rich UES woman who took care of him like she did? That must’ve stung. Rufus said they should spend time apart. Thought these 2 were perfect!!

At the jail, Carol signed over power of attorney to William who promised he’d make sure Lola was taken care of. But little did Carol know that William was in on the whole thing with Lily. Lily was the one who made William get Carol to sign. I mean, it was the least he could do after she found out about the lovechild. William wanted Lily’s word that she’d help out Lola. Lily said she wasn’t a monster. Of course, she’d help her out. Hmmm, not sure I’m buying it. And with that, William decided to leave New York. He had caused enough damage.

Lily paid Ivy (1 million dollars!!) for ratting on Carol. But Ivy really didn’t want the money. What she wanted was to be a part of the family once again. Could she please try to earn back a place in Lily’s heart? Lily was all “hell no!” Bye, Ivy. For real. And what do you know, Ivy ripped up the check. Girl, you crazy!

Now that they weren’t just cousins but sisters as well, Lola went to see Serena. Sadly for Lola, S wanted nothing to do with her. Stay away from their family. Yikes. But before Lola left she saw a piece of paper with the server name and address for Gossip Girl. Lola pocketed it. OMG what’s she gonna do with that??

And finally, after some time debating it, Chuck decided that he wanted a relationship with Diana now that he knew she was his mother. That’s cute. But then Nate received a picture from Elizabeth Fisher. It was a picture of her pregnant. With Chuck. Huh? So she was his mom after all? Nate assumed Jack paid Diana to lie. Yet why would Elizabeth deny being the blood donor? None of this made any sense. Then they realized it. The one common thread was Jack Bass. In the picture of preggers Elizabeth, a guy with a tattoo was cut out of it. Jack has the same exact tattoo. And that’s when Chuck realized something. What if the big question wasn’t who’s his mom but rather who’s his dad? OMG could it be? Was Jack Bass Chuck’s actual dad? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Family! Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Often times they disappoint you. But just remember: blood is thicker than water. 

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